DISHES

Had a session today dishes seemed to be what everything came back too. I began the session annoyed, irritated just plain out angry about life…about the day. I was filled with frustration from all different things and different people that surround me.  I knew going in this session what response to expect to hear from her. I sat there and let it all out, it felt like it was just pouring out of my mouth. I knew that she would say that I create these situations for myself, I am only to blame.  You know take responsibility, for the part I play in my own life.  She’s right I know that but the stubborn Kori doesn’t really want to admit that. I have done things like the DISHES more often then not for almost 20 years now.  I love my husband and kids but I have done a lot for them because I wanted too. Maybe because I thought that is what made me a good wife and mother.  My husband has become a lot better about being helpful throughout our life together in helping around the house. The session wasn’t just about the dishes it was learning that i need to take a step back and allow them to do things on their own. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and OCD.  Learning how retrain your brain after 37 years of the same thinking is hard, really hard. Some days I am so proud of myself and some days I feel defeated. I am grateful for having Dee to talk to on a regular basis, having a supportive family & friends. Everyday I do my best to make a conscious choice to be better, to use the tools I have learned.  Anyway back to the dishes, I had to leave work early today to make my appointment with Dee.  So I brought a change of clothes with me to work but before I pulled in I realized I had forgotten my shoes.  I over thought about those damn shoes all day and I am sure I mentioned it out load more then once. So I speed home to have the extra two minutes to grab the shoes. Believe me if I didn’t go get those shoes I would have felt uneasy times 100. I hate that my brain thinks that way.  As I glance in my kitchen I notice it… the sink full of DISHES!!  For those of you who don’t know that is my job in a nutshell. I cook food and do dishes all day 5 days a week. So somedays the idea of coming home to cook and do dishes just isn’t appealing to me. I mean guys….I do it all day long and there are three other people in this house that use them too. The dishes are just one of the things in my life that feel are pilling up.  I feel like I’m the only one that can attend to them, notice I  said feel. I’m obviously not the only one who can or does attend to them. I just feel like I’m the only one who can do it the way I think it needs to be done. You know the old saying you want it done right, you do it yourself. Part of my OCD i assume I need things to be done when I ask, the way I would do them.  It is an unrealistic expectation to put on anyone in my life, including myself. We are all different and go about doing things in different ways. That doesn’t mean that one way is right or wrong. It just means that there are different ways to come to the same point.  For a brain like mine that’s a hard pill to swallow.  It sounds so pretentious of me to say, to think that my way is the best way. I did say it, I have thought that!! I am willing to admit that I have been one stubborn, mean, unlovable & impossible person to deal with a few times in my lifetime. So Dee and I decided that today I will leave the dishes…I won’t touch them because someone will.  I hope they do as I feel anxious…..that’s the usual response I would have.  Positive Kori says even though they may not be done my way or in my timeline, never the less they will be done. That has to be good enough, I am doing my best to be okay with that being good enough.  I have to let go, relinquish control of a situation that won’t matter in the long run.  So those dishes sit.           

                                                                                        KAW