REGINA

Regina

There have been a lot of things that I have tried to work out in therapy. Regina is one of them, for those of you who don’t know who that is. She is my grandmother. She is the mother of my momma! I talk about her in therapy because she is the only living grandmother I have left. I talk because we have not spoken to one another for over five years now. As a little girl she was my grandma Gray, she had a huge house and a wall full of pictures. She had red shag carpet that ran down the basement stairs into the living room. I loved sliding down her stairs on my butt just to run into a wall directly at the bottom. My childhood memories there were good ones, I loved holidays at her house. On thanksgiving we would fill her whole kitchen table with pieces of bread to stay there overnight. So in the morning they would be stale enough to make her famous stuffing, still my favorite food at Thanksgiving. We had food fights around the table and we all laughed, we were filled with love that is what it looked like to me as a little girl. Christmas was just as fun and I know jamming a lot and I mean a lot of people into her little upstairs was probably annoying for the adults but so much fun for me. I love the videos that have us all in one room looking like a family, loving each other like one. I don’t know if that was just perception of a child or if it was real. Maybe it was a little bit of both. Anyway the point I’m slowly getting too is she was the best grandma she could be to me. I am grateful for that she gave me some great memories to hold on too. When I was younger like pre-teen time I felt the disconnect beginning. My mom is the oldest of 7, 2 who passed as infants. More people started to enter our family and I felt like that was hard for Regina, that is an assumption on my part. I honestly don’t know if she liked or loved most of the people that joined into this Gray group. She was always civil at the holidays, birthdays get togethers, weddings, that I can remember. The feeling of family for me had changed, new babies were coming into our family too. I LOVE my cousins so much, I know that I have a special place for each of them in my heart. Regina loved babies, and I mean loved babies. So when new babies started to arrive I almost felt like out with the old in with the new. Everything just felt slowly like it was beginning to detach. I made the choice to move into Regina’s basement at 18 so I could attend Missouri Western. At first it was pretty cool I never really got to spend a lot of alone time with her before. She cooked some nights, which she was a great cook. We would sit at the table for dinner and talk. Some nights when the Royals were playing ball we would get the TV trays out and watch the game and eat in the living room. We didn’t talk much those dinner nights, just watched the game. Something that I associated with her still to this day, my love of baseball….especially the Royals. When school started, I got a job, was a full-time student & was hanging out with friends and made less of an effort to have those dinner dates. Maybe that’s where it all went wrong for us I don’t know. She started setting her house alarm @9pm and if I wasn’t home by then I had to sleep at my friends house for the night. Even on the nights I had class that ended @ 9:50pm. I started to feel trapped, controlled and uncomfortable. We started to argue a lot and she involved my parents. Which I resented a little at 18 I was an adult in my mind I didn’t want nor need my parents input. I eventually moved out, it was what was best for the both of us. There are two reasons why that time in Regina’s basement were rememberable and special to me. I got the good memories with her even if they lasted a short time, they were good. Two… Steven, my cousin. I love this kid more then words can describe. I contribute a lot of that too being able to hangout with him a lot during the time I lived with Regina. We had a lot of fun probably too much. He’s like me little brother I love him, I am immensely proud of him. Regina gave me a lot of gifts I will not deny that. What my therapy sessions are about why I feel no current guilt for not speaking to her. I know that she is only getting older. I just lost my Grandma Wion I know how precious life is, how short it is. I can’t move forward because she has no remorse. she doesn’t think that she needs to be forgiven.

  To try and sum up why it all went so wrong. I was trying to organize a photo shoot for 30 people as a gift for  Regina’s birthday present. To find a day and time that works for 30 people is and was hard. All I wanted was to do something nice for her, to put a new picture on her wall of pictures.  A picture that included everyone in her family, she didn’t have a picture like that and I wanted to give it to her.  Unfortunately one person out of the 30 was making it very impossible for me to make this shoot happen.  Every single person in our family are busy raising families. We have jobs and other obligations in our lives too.  Even the ones that Regina hasn’t always been the nicest too made it work.  A cousin of mine, whom Regina treats like her little princess couldn’t make the time for this session.  The cousin that spends the most time with and benefits the most from having Regina as a grandmother.  The cousin that has had the most help from Regina.  She couldn’t make it work for a woman who has always made it work for her.  I was to say at the least irritated, so I told her the location, date & time at told her I hope you make it. We all made it that day, we all waited for her and her parents.  They never showed up, so we shot the session anyway and it was fun.  It felt a little like when I was a kid. I took a goofy picture of all of us and it’s my favorite. It hangs on my wall of pictures I have in my house. Needless to say Regina was furious that “her granddaughter” was not in the picture, mind you she has 6 granddaughters. Yet she was only concerned with the one.  We as a family went to a birthday dinner for Regina and gave her the picture.  I walked out of there after all the awkard silences and rude comments. I left and from then on have only called her Regina.  She made a choice to stop talking and associating with over half of her family for the sake of one grand daughter & her own pride.  All I have ever wanted or needed to forgive her is honesty.  I don’t see that in the future, I just don’t.  

Stay with my guys I know this is a long one but I’m almost near the end.  Like I said before my mother is the oldest of the Gray kids she has seen, heard and experienced more them all of them.  She has been around her mother Regina and father James more then most.  I’m sure she has her own bullshit that her other siblings know nothing about.  Never the less that day that her mother Regina decided to ditch us, she stepped up.  Her sister-in-law battled cancer longer then anyone ever should. My mom made herself available to her whenever she needed. My mom worried about her, cried for her & most of all loved her. My Aunt lost her battle with cancer less then a year ago.  While my aunt was in the hospital I would stop by afterwork just to visit and talk.  In on of our talks she expressed that she was grateful for her sister, her friend, my momma! When one of my mothers sisters had a health scare in her family. My momma called to do the same offer anything that she could do.  She sat in a waiting room to just be there if anyone needed her.  She gave her time, her love & her prayers to those she loves deeply.  My momma is not Regina, she is far better.  She is kind, loving, patient & compassionate.  I know how she feels about her relationship with her mother, we have had many conversations.  She is currently the only child Regina does not talk too. I want all involved  to remember that she was the one holding your hands, loving you, praying for you and your families. She stepped up when Regina stepped out.  Just know that she has demons she battles about her relationship with mother that you know nothing about.  Please don’t ask or expect her to get over it, don’t ask her to forgive her mother when she’s not ready.  Don’t ask her to give her a hug or a call. There are many of us that are not there yet and who knows if we ever will be.  All of us have our reasons, we all have bullshit you just don’t know about.  We all have our own bullshit with Regina.  I would never assume why you feel the way you do, so don’t do that to anyone else. Respect that everyone has their own process and in their own time. This blog is about letting go of Regina not carrying guilt for someone who doesn’t caring it for me. This blog is also about be aware of others who have been here for you, love them, respect them. 

                                                                                                                                                      KAW