It has been quite some time since I wrote… I felt inspired to write again since I wrote about my grandmothers passing one year later, I thought I’d do the same for my grandfather. My grandfather was a strong & stern mans kind of man you know! He worked hard everyday of his life to provide for his family and he took pride in that. I’ve only known Bob as Grandpa Wion whom was around for the important stuff, sat on the couch in his boxers & watched sports. My grandparents were only six months apart as grandpa would always point out grandma, she was 6 months older then him. Grandpa passed 6 months after grandma which honestly made me feel a sense of peace. We all knew that after she was gone he wouldn’t be far behind, he didn’t know how to live without her. Those 6 months were hard without her and even harder to visit him. I had to force myself into their apartment every visit knowing she wasn’t going to be there. I did it because I love my grandfather, I did it because that is what my grandmother would have wanted. I brought my kids to visit him, we played bingo a couple times, I shaved his face & made his bed. I did some of the things she would have wanted me to do. The things she did for him everyday she lived with him. It had only been 6 months since I lost Grandma Wion someone that meant the world to me, more then words will ever be able to describe. In the thick of healing after losing her, I lost him too. I got a call telling me that I needed to see him in the next couple days. I planned to go the day after that call with my kids. My cousin called and said he was going that evening I felt compelled to go too. I walked into that apartment and saw my father holding his hand, kneeling next to him being so loving & patient. For the first time in my life I saw my father have pure unconditionally love & compassion for his father. Needless to say they had a very complicated relationship. I lost it, i lost it because I knew the feelings my father had towards this man yet in that moment I only felt the love. It touched me deeply! When I sat next to him I held his hand, he didn’t know who I was and that was ok. The only words I heard him say in my time visiting was “I want to go on the train” and ” I want to see Joann” (my grandmother). I spent a little longer with him and helped him into bed along with other family that was there. I kissed his cheek and told him I loved him I also whispered in his ear ” you tell grandma I love her and I miss her tremedoulsy “. The next day early morning Robert (BOB) Wion passed away. July 23rd 2019

I was the only one to stand up and speak at my grandfathers service. I did it because it’s what she would of wanted & he deserved that!

My grandpa Wion…..

serious, strong, hard-working, dedicated, stubborn, miticulous these all words I would use to describe him. But I think his grandkids unlocked a part of his heart that had not yet been touched.  To me I feel like having the four of us took on the new role of grandpa.   It made him lighter, calmer, he laughed a little more maybe even a little louder.  He became more gentle.

Every softball game, play, musical concert & grandparents day when I would look up to see Grandma he was always right there by her side.  Grandpa was a part of all those wonderful memories too.  I know sometimes he seems to get over shadowed by grandma.  I am forever grateful and appreciative of his hard-working nature and determination to take care of his family. It allowed us to grow and have fun while doing it. Some of the things that make Bob Wion grandpa are whisker rubs, learning how to play pool, The Brown Bear, ketchup on everything, his little rubber coin purse, his love of watches & his bathroom announcements…. 15 minutes is all the time we had to use the bathroom before he did. 

Watching his disease take over was the hardest thing for me. Although his memories faded mine won’t, he’ll be in my heart right next to her where he has always been. 

He will be missed. Today. Tomorrow. Forever.

Death changes everything. Time changes nothing. I still miss the sound of your voice, the wisdom in your advice, the stories of your life and just being in your presence. So no, time changes nothing. I still miss you just as much today as I did the day you died. I just miss you.

It has almost been a year since I said good-bye to JoAnn.  JoAnn is my grandmother or as I called her “Grandma Wion”. Grandma was the kinda gal that made you feel like you were the only person in a room filled with hundreds. She loved me from the moment she knew I existed until the last breath she took.  To be loved like that is indescribable, it’s unconditional. Few people in my world love me the way that woman did.  With everything she had all her patience, imagination, heart, compassion & all encompassing love! 

As long as I can remember it has just been the ten of us. My grandparents, my parents, my aunt & uncle and the 4 grand kids (2 boys, 2 girls).  We did every birthday, summer and holiday celebration together at 605 Green Street, her home.  I loved that house I felt stable and safe there.  Growing up with her in the summers was magical, she was magical.  I never remember a negative situation, a voice raised, a mean word ever that came from her.  Life with Grandma Wion was pretty fun and excited almost always.  Even on those days she made us stay close to home we had fun! She played with us, used her imagination to create a play, chased us in the castle.  She cooked us breakfast in bed, she rubbed us with sunscreen to protect us, tied our ice skating laces so tight I’d thought my foot might pop off.  She never wanted a twisted ankle so she laced them tightly. She watched us swim, watched any movie we picked in the theater. She would let us control the speed of her car by pressing the radio buttons. She would fly with me when I was a little girl, I’d lay on my tummy and close my eyes. She would rub my back and describe flying around the city, the country even the world sometimes. We always started and ended at the same place 605 Green St. 

She gave all four of us such a gift that I never knew I had or needed, it was a great childhood filled with laughter and creativity.  She simply just let us be kids!  For that I will forever be grateful to her!  All 10 of us moved “The Wions” out of 605 Green Street a couple years before she passed.  My grandmother had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease a disorder of the central nervous system that effects movement.  She got  diagnosed in the same year she became a Great-Grandmother.  My grandpa shortly after her had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease which progressively destroyed memory and other functions.  The last straw I’d saw was when they had a winter storm and Grandma wanted to shovel the porch for the mailman.  Although being told by many people in our family to leave it alone, she didn’t. That wonderful stubborn woman did it anyway and she fell, that fall changed the course of my grandparents lives forever.  Nothing after her fall was the same.  One of the hardest things I have had to do in my life was move them out of a home they raised their 2 sons, 4 grand kids and 9 great-grand kids in.  To say good-bye to everything about a place that made me feel so good, so happy.  I was most overwhelmed with emotion when I stood in the middle of their little house with nothing in it.  I had never seen it like that, no one had but my grandparents the day they moved in.  It was heartbreaking and sad to pull out of her drive that day with 605 Green in our rear view.  We left that place sad that this house was just now in our past, but hopeful for my grandparents future.  I could feel it when we left there to never return this was the beginning of an end for them.  Something that I hated to think but was very clear. 

  They lived with my aunt and uncle for awhile then were moved to an assisted living place where they got their own little apartment.  I was hard visiting them there, it was sad.  I think the combination of losing her freedom, dealing with all the new things that come with Parkinson’s and still trying to help take care of Grandpa took a toll on her.  She was softer spoken that was a side effect of Parkinson’s which she hated. All she wanted was to be heard and she couldn’t. I used to call her once to twice a week when she lived on Green St., I rarely called her at Wexford.  I couldn’t understand her on the phone, it wasn’t something that came easy to her anymore. So I visited instead, sat as close as I could to her so I could understand her.  I wanted her to know that I would put in all efforts to make her be heard in any conversation. She just seemed more frustrated with life,  I feel like she slowly gave up.  She seemed to have more conversations about her dying then her living, she’d always be the first to tell me it is going to happen. I knew that, I just didn’t want to believe it. 

 Then she had a stroke yet another set back.  Shortly after the stroke things just went down hill quick.  I got a call from my father letting me know that they were admitting Grandma into the hospital because she was having trouble breathing.  I was at work when I got that call, I left work the moment I hung up with him.  All I wanted was to be with her!  Work clothes and smelling like a kitchen, I held her hand, spoke and sat with her lil they kicked me out.  I think that the 10 of us had an idea of where this was heading, although none of us wanted to say it out loud.    

We moved our conversations to the hallway so she couldn’t hear but I didn’t want to hear them either. The only word being thrown around was HOSPICE!!  Everyone knows what that word means, where that word ends.  I called work to let them know I wouldn’t be coming back in, I had no idea when I would return. Visiting hours ended that first day  so I kissed her forehead and said “I love you” she squeezed my hand and said “I love you too honey”.  The next morning I got a call from my dad telling me that they were moving her to hospice. She was no longer speaking and she wasn’t awake, in that moment I realized the night before we had spoken our last words to one another, I sobbed.  I hurried up and finished getting ready sent the kids to school.  Before I left James stopped me in the hallway to give me a hug.   I let it all go, all I could do was bury my head in his chest and sob. I had no words, I felt that this was it she was dying!  He held me and sobbed along with me.  Friday & Saturday all day and all night I spent with her, I went home a couple hours each night to sleep, if I could.  During those very sad days in hospice I became closer to my family. Some of us stayed all day some couldn’t stand to be there longer then 10 mins. Everyone handles grief differently and we were all doing the best we could.  In those two days in hospice we wanted Grandpa to visit and say good-bye.  At this point in his disease he was quite confused.  Although with her he was never confused. I truly believe that when we put him next to her and he grabbed her hand to kiss it he knew who she was and why he was there.  Like he had a moment of clarity and he sobbed for her, for their lives lived together, for their love for another.  

Saturday night the doctor informed us that he thought the end was near to say our final good-byes.  All 10 of us gathered in her little room to say good-bye.  We cried, we rubbed her back, ran our fingers through her hair. Told her how much we loved her, that it was ok to go, we would take care of grandpa, that we would take care of each other.  It was such a beautiful, yet heartbreaking moment in that room.  On Sunday January 28th @ 3am JoAnn McCammon Wion passed away.   I woke up Sunday morning and saw a missed call from my dad, I knew.  I went into my bathroom and I wept and wept because I knew she was gone, I could feel it.  I called him back and he said she passed, I felt num.  Then I recieved a text that the four cousins had going.  All four of us asking if were all ok? Telling each other that we love one another.  She would have loved that!  She would have loved that in a moment of grief we were taking care of each other. That is how she raised up her summer babies to love each other to be more like siblings then cousins.  She succeed I never thought I could love my sister or those boys more, but I do! We helped one another through this and we continue to do so til this day. I love all of them so very much, and beyond thankful that they were there when I needed them and they needed me!  

When I began to write her eulogy I could have written about Grandma Wion forever but I tried to sum up the best parts. I wanted people to love her and know her like I did.  Only people that have heard this are those that were in attendance at her funeral. I still cry when I read it, I’m sure I always will.  She was the best and I miss her everyday.  

                                    JoAnn McCammon Wion

As a little girl I thought she was straight out of a fairytale, pure magic! To be loved by Joann Wion was to be loved unconditionally. It is very rare to find someone who’s love was so pure, patient & honest. There was never anything in this world that I could do or say that would make her love me any less. She was born to be a grandmother, she was just so amazing at it! The time that she took to make each and everyone of us feel so special amazes me still. 605 Green Street was my favorite place in the world when I was a kid, I felt so happy there. I think it had less to do with the house and everything to do with her, I loved visiting Grandma. I loved that she would ask what the colors in a rainbow were as she washed my hair when I was a little girl. I loved that she would be the wicked witch that chased Brandi and I around the castle at Krug Park. I loved the smell of her face powder, the taste of her chocolate chip cookies & the sound of her laugh. It was so effortless for her to love me, to make me feel like the most important person in the world. All while making everyone else feel the same way. I was privileged to love her for 36 years. In those 36 years she provided me with enough love, laughter, knowledge & happiness to last a lifetime. She will always be with me wherever I go. She loved me with all of her heart and I loved her with all of mine. I hope we often meet in my dreams where we can fly together again. 

I’m not going to go into much detail with this next blog. I’m writing about it because it was something very significant that happened, that effected me deeply. I worked really hard to find peace with it, to stop allowing it to control me. Almost 9 years ago something happened in my life that changed everything.  Something that in a million years I thought would never happen. Something that broke me to my core, made me question everything and everyone. There are only about 10 people in my life that know what occurred, so I am surprising myself by writing this blog to be honest.  I write because Dee helped me let go of something that had consumed my brain more often then it should have, more often then I wanted it to. I gave it the ability to have power in my life and I desperately needed to change that.  I allowed this trauma that occurred to stop me from being me, I allowed it to take things from me that I was unaware of.  Talking it out in therapy through many steps towards healing & many tears I finally got to a place where I don’t allow it to control me anymore.  It took me a while to forgive myself for something that wasn’t my fault, for something I couldn’t control. When this happened I didn’t know any other way to express my feelings but art.  I created an art piece that expressed what I was feeling.  The piece was black & white, simple & every emotion I was feeling.  I kept that canvas for almost 9 years I never intended to hang it up.  The only other person I allowed to see it was my husband , then later Dee as well. The last homework assignment that Dee assigned me to take the power back was to destroyed it.  She gave me the choice of how I destroyed it, I chose fire.  I had my husband start a fire in the pit and I threw it in.  I watched it burn and I cried, I felt free!  I grabbed my camera and took a picture, I captured this moment so I can remember how strong I am.  That I  am capable  of overcoming something that I thought had broken me.  I took back my power and I was proud of myself. I worked hard for this progress and I was proud! So I share the photo that I took.  I will keep this picture, I will display it proudly because after all I DID IT!!  I know we are all stronger then we give ourselves credit for. Sometimes it’s scary to confront those things that are uncomfortable, painful & long avoided.  For me to confront them head on was one of the best decisions I have made. I feel lighter, I feel more at peace.  I couldn’t have done it without the love and support of my husband and the help of Dee, for them I am forever grateful. 

• 

Regina

There have been a lot of things that I have tried to work out in therapy. Regina is one of them, for those of you who don’t know who that is. She is my grandmother. She is the mother of my momma! I talk about her in therapy because she is the only living grandmother I have left. I talk because we have not spoken to one another for over five years now. As a little girl she was my grandma Gray, she had a huge house and a wall full of pictures. She had red shag carpet that ran down the basement stairs into the living room. I loved sliding down her stairs on my butt just to run into a wall directly at the bottom. My childhood memories there were good ones, I loved holidays at her house. On thanksgiving we would fill her whole kitchen table with pieces of bread to stay there overnight. So in the morning they would be stale enough to make her famous stuffing, still my favorite food at Thanksgiving. We had food fights around the table and we all laughed, we were filled with love that is what it looked like to me as a little girl. Christmas was just as fun and I know jamming a lot and I mean a lot of people into her little upstairs was probably annoying for the adults but so much fun for me. I love the videos that have us all in one room looking like a family, loving each other like one. I don’t know if that was just perception of a child or if it was real. Maybe it was a little bit of both. Anyway the point I’m slowly getting too is she was the best grandma she could be to me. I am grateful for that she gave me some great memories to hold on too. When I was younger like pre-teen time I felt the disconnect beginning. My mom is the oldest of 7, 2 who passed as infants. More people started to enter our family and I felt like that was hard for Regina, that is an assumption on my part. I honestly don’t know if she liked or loved most of the people that joined into this Gray group. She was always civil at the holidays, birthdays get togethers, weddings, that I can remember. The feeling of family for me had changed, new babies were coming into our family too. I LOVE my cousins so much, I know that I have a special place for each of them in my heart. Regina loved babies, and I mean loved babies. So when new babies started to arrive I almost felt like out with the old in with the new. Everything just felt slowly like it was beginning to detach. I made the choice to move into Regina’s basement at 18 so I could attend Missouri Western. At first it was pretty cool I never really got to spend a lot of alone time with her before. She cooked some nights, which she was a great cook. We would sit at the table for dinner and talk. Some nights when the Royals were playing ball we would get the TV trays out and watch the game and eat in the living room. We didn’t talk much those dinner nights, just watched the game. Something that I associated with her still to this day, my love of baseball….especially the Royals. When school started, I got a job, was a full-time student & was hanging out with friends and made less of an effort to have those dinner dates. Maybe that’s where it all went wrong for us I don’t know. She started setting her house alarm @9pm and if I wasn’t home by then I had to sleep at my friends house for the night. Even on the nights I had class that ended @ 9:50pm. I started to feel trapped, controlled and uncomfortable. We started to argue a lot and she involved my parents. Which I resented a little at 18 I was an adult in my mind I didn’t want nor need my parents input. I eventually moved out, it was what was best for the both of us. There are two reasons why that time in Regina’s basement were rememberable and special to me. I got the good memories with her even if they lasted a short time, they were good. Two… Steven, my cousin. I love this kid more then words can describe. I contribute a lot of that too being able to hangout with him a lot during the time I lived with Regina. We had a lot of fun probably too much. He’s like me little brother I love him, I am immensely proud of him. Regina gave me a lot of gifts I will not deny that. What my therapy sessions are about why I feel no current guilt for not speaking to her. I know that she is only getting older. I just lost my Grandma Wion I know how precious life is, how short it is. I can’t move forward because she has no remorse. she doesn’t think that she needs to be forgiven.

  To try and sum up why it all went so wrong. I was trying to organize a photo shoot for 30 people as a gift for  Regina’s birthday present. To find a day and time that works for 30 people is and was hard. All I wanted was to do something nice for her, to put a new picture on her wall of pictures.  A picture that included everyone in her family, she didn’t have a picture like that and I wanted to give it to her.  Unfortunately one person out of the 30 was making it very impossible for me to make this shoot happen.  Every single person in our family are busy raising families. We have jobs and other obligations in our lives too.  Even the ones that Regina hasn’t always been the nicest too made it work.  A cousin of mine, whom Regina treats like her little princess couldn’t make the time for this session.  The cousin that spends the most time with and benefits the most from having Regina as a grandmother.  The cousin that has had the most help from Regina.  She couldn’t make it work for a woman who has always made it work for her.  I was to say at the least irritated, so I told her the location, date & time at told her I hope you make it. We all made it that day, we all waited for her and her parents.  They never showed up, so we shot the session anyway and it was fun.  It felt a little like when I was a kid. I took a goofy picture of all of us and it’s my favorite. It hangs on my wall of pictures I have in my house. Needless to say Regina was furious that “her granddaughter” was not in the picture, mind you she has 6 granddaughters. Yet she was only concerned with the one.  We as a family went to a birthday dinner for Regina and gave her the picture.  I walked out of there after all the awkard silences and rude comments. I left and from then on have only called her Regina.  She made a choice to stop talking and associating with over half of her family for the sake of one grand daughter & her own pride.  All I have ever wanted or needed to forgive her is honesty.  I don’t see that in the future, I just don’t.  

Stay with my guys I know this is a long one but I’m almost near the end.  Like I said before my mother is the oldest of the Gray kids she has seen, heard and experienced more them all of them.  She has been around her mother Regina and father James more then most.  I’m sure she has her own bullshit that her other siblings know nothing about.  Never the less that day that her mother Regina decided to ditch us, she stepped up.  Her sister-in-law battled cancer longer then anyone ever should. My mom made herself available to her whenever she needed. My mom worried about her, cried for her & most of all loved her. My Aunt lost her battle with cancer less then a year ago.  While my aunt was in the hospital I would stop by afterwork just to visit and talk.  In on of our talks she expressed that she was grateful for her sister, her friend, my momma! When one of my mothers sisters had a health scare in her family. My momma called to do the same offer anything that she could do.  She sat in a waiting room to just be there if anyone needed her.  She gave her time, her love & her prayers to those she loves deeply.  My momma is not Regina, she is far better.  She is kind, loving, patient & compassionate.  I know how she feels about her relationship with her mother, we have had many conversations.  She is currently the only child Regina does not talk too. I want all involved  to remember that she was the one holding your hands, loving you, praying for you and your families. She stepped up when Regina stepped out.  Just know that she has demons she battles about her relationship with mother that you know nothing about.  Please don’t ask or expect her to get over it, don’t ask her to forgive her mother when she’s not ready.  Don’t ask her to give her a hug or a call. There are many of us that are not there yet and who knows if we ever will be.  All of us have our reasons, we all have bullshit you just don’t know about.  We all have our own bullshit with Regina.  I would never assume why you feel the way you do, so don’t do that to anyone else. Respect that everyone has their own process and in their own time. This blog is about letting go of Regina not carrying guilt for someone who doesn’t caring it for me. This blog is also about be aware of others who have been here for you, love them, respect them. 

                                                                                                                                                      KAW 

Had a session today dishes seemed to be what everything came back too. I began the session annoyed, irritated just plain out angry about life…about the day. I was filled with frustration from all different things and different people that surround me.  I knew going in this session what response to expect to hear from her. I sat there and let it all out, it felt like it was just pouring out of my mouth. I knew that she would say that I create these situations for myself, I am only to blame.  You know take responsibility, for the part I play in my own life.  She’s right I know that but the stubborn Kori doesn’t really want to admit that. I have done things like the DISHES more often then not for almost 20 years now.  I love my husband and kids but I have done a lot for them because I wanted too. Maybe because I thought that is what made me a good wife and mother.  My husband has become a lot better about being helpful throughout our life together in helping around the house. The session wasn’t just about the dishes it was learning that i need to take a step back and allow them to do things on their own. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and OCD.  Learning how retrain your brain after 37 years of the same thinking is hard, really hard. Some days I am so proud of myself and some days I feel defeated. I am grateful for having Dee to talk to on a regular basis, having a supportive family & friends. Everyday I do my best to make a conscious choice to be better, to use the tools I have learned.  Anyway back to the dishes, I had to leave work early today to make my appointment with Dee.  So I brought a change of clothes with me to work but before I pulled in I realized I had forgotten my shoes.  I over thought about those damn shoes all day and I am sure I mentioned it out load more then once. So I speed home to have the extra two minutes to grab the shoes. Believe me if I didn’t go get those shoes I would have felt uneasy times 100. I hate that my brain thinks that way.  As I glance in my kitchen I notice it… the sink full of DISHES!!  For those of you who don’t know that is my job in a nutshell. I cook food and do dishes all day 5 days a week. So somedays the idea of coming home to cook and do dishes just isn’t appealing to me. I mean guys….I do it all day long and there are three other people in this house that use them too. The dishes are just one of the things in my life that feel are pilling up.  I feel like I’m the only one that can attend to them, notice I  said feel. I’m obviously not the only one who can or does attend to them. I just feel like I’m the only one who can do it the way I think it needs to be done. You know the old saying you want it done right, you do it yourself. Part of my OCD i assume I need things to be done when I ask, the way I would do them.  It is an unrealistic expectation to put on anyone in my life, including myself. We are all different and go about doing things in different ways. That doesn’t mean that one way is right or wrong. It just means that there are different ways to come to the same point.  For a brain like mine that’s a hard pill to swallow.  It sounds so pretentious of me to say, to think that my way is the best way. I did say it, I have thought that!! I am willing to admit that I have been one stubborn, mean, unlovable & impossible person to deal with a few times in my lifetime. So Dee and I decided that today I will leave the dishes…I won’t touch them because someone will.  I hope they do as I feel anxious…..that’s the usual response I would have.  Positive Kori says even though they may not be done my way or in my timeline, never the less they will be done. That has to be good enough, I am doing my best to be okay with that being good enough.  I have to let go, relinquish control of a situation that won’t matter in the long run.  So those dishes sit.           

                                                                                        KAW

I’ll start off by admitting I am making myself more vulnerable then I think I ever have. To help myself and maybe help someone else. To those of you whom don’t know me intimately I have been seeing a therapist for almost 6 months now.  She suggested that I write, I don’t think she thought it would be so publicly. But never the less I’ve chosen to do this out loud because I know that even if I can relate to one person about one thing it is a connection.  Connection is good and allows you to know that you are not alone in this world with your experiences or your thoughts.  I started going to therapy because I was inspired by seeing a friend do it first, it seemed to be helping her.  So I thought I’d stop running from something that had scared me for so long.  More then once in my life I’ve thought about going myself, it has also been suggested to me.  I avoided it for so long because maybe I was afraid of what I would have to confront. I thought that one person didn’t have all the answers to my problems.  Now that I have been going I know that way off thinking was all wrong.  My therapist, we’ll call her Dee. It’s not that Dee had the answers to fix my problems. It’s that she had the tools that I needed to start to fix them myself.  She has been and continues to teach me that I am responsible for my own happiness.  That I am not special, I am just a girl doing the best she can to make it in this world.  I am grateful that at 37 I have enough courage to still learn, to still grow.  It is very hard to sit there and have someone tell you all the ugly truths about yourself.  The ones you think, hoping others don’t noticed or think about.  Yet there she is telling you in such a calm and as matter of fact manner. Crazy thing though… I believe her!  This woman that I just met and doesn’t know anything about me.  Can know me quicker then most that have known me forever.  Needless to say I love Dee she is good at what she does!  She allows me the freedom of honesty that I need, the structure I crave and the room I need to grow.  I know that some people aren’t as lucky as I have been.  First out of the gate and we clicked right away, for her I am grateful! I walked in her office thinking I knew what I was there for. Little did I know, I knew nothing!  I grew up with a great life an average upbringing so to speak. At the end of the day the reality is that everyone has bullshit!  No matter your childhood or the things you have had to walk through as an adult. We all have bullshit!  Another reason I went to seek a therapist is because my behavior, my thought process was starting to affect my relationships.  I thought I’d go in there and she’d be like “oh you poor thing taking care of everybody. While feeling like no one takes care of you.” WRONG!  She taught me to think about my problems in my life in a different manner.  Such a manner that it allowed me to have perspective that I couldn’t see before, a more positive perspective.  Helping me make wiser and more informed decisions. I am a thinker…like ALL the time thinker. It overwhelms my brain on a daily basis.  I HATE it so much! I wish that I could just push things out of my mind, I wish that I could stop the overthinking. I feel like my brain is thinking a million things at once.  Thats why I get overwhelmed so easily, or why I loose my temper quicker then most.  I feel so heavy all the time, heavy in thought.   I have worked with her on how to clear my mind of senseless clutter, loud noise that won’t matter in 5 years, 5 months…. shit even 5 days.  It is hard, hardest thing I have ever done.  To sit there and be honest with myself, to own it, embrace it and work hard to alter my form of thinking. The last thing that pushed me into seeking therapy is honestly the past year has simply just been hard.  My husband had a health scare that left us wondering and waiting for months what our future held. Thankfully we learned that things weren’t as bad as we were initially told. I have had to say good-bye and bury some pretty special & significant people to me this past year. I have tried to deal the best I can with the change of having two teenagers in my home.  It is a lot harder then I anticipated it would be, it is just a new chapter for me to figure out.  This past year has been overwhelming to say the least.  I made the choice to seek therapy because I needed to find myself again. When you take care of others for so long, you forget how to take care of yourself. You forget that YOU are important.  I wanted to go I wanted to be the best version of myself.  For my family & friends, but most of all for ME! If you keep tossing back and forth the idea of seeking out a therapist like I was for so long.  I say go for it there is nothing to lose and so much to gain.  I am still learning, I am still growing, I am getting better & I am feeling better.  Even for those days that inevitably come to all of us, days that leave us feeling empty & tired.  Those will pass and tomorrow will be better! Do your best to stay positive! 

                                                                                                        KAW 

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

Why do this?

• Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
• Because it will help you focus you own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.

The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.

To help you get started, here are a few questions:

• Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
• What topics do you think you’ll write about?
• Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
• If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?

You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.

Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.

When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.